*Achoo!*
Pardon me. That wasn't from the cold I have (for which I must claim full responsability), but rather from all the dust that has been collecting here due to my lack of.... well, you fill that in.
Anyways, I have returned - for the present, at least - to give you something which I received recently from someone who doesn't (but should *hint, hint*) have a blog.
Here is a tale (er, tails) of two pets... rather condescending when it comes to dogs, I must say. However, I did challenge Chris to come up with a version of a Cat's life (since that long-ago installment of "Every Dog Should Own a Man"), and he, while not creating it personally, has done the hard work of finding such an... um, interesting story.
Without further ado, here now is:
THE DIARIES OF TWO PETS
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects.
objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order
to keep up my strength.
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order
to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates my capabilities.
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates my capabilities.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good
little hunter" I am. Jerks!
little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches.
snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
cell, so he is safe.
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
cell, so he is safe.
For now.....
Good job in updating, my dear! I was just coming over to begin the first installment of blog torture . . . aren't you glad you did?! (Comment this)
I could throw another ten pillows or so your way (just for the wink; the "wonderful boyfriend" part is undisputed), but it seems to me that they are having no effect... hence, plan B. TBA... (Comment this)
And Chrissy? Let me get in on the fun with Matt! He's my brother, after all, and thus all torture-rights fall squarely upon me :) (Comment this)
I concur with you Ruth - who would seriously WANT to own a cat after reading what goes on in their evil-intent minds (mouse decapitation indeed!)?! (Comment this)
But only if you take back the mean things said about cats. After all, I am remarkably like one in many ways. And I would argue that the people writing these wonderful thoughts of a cat have never actually been one or been loved by one.
It is said that cats intuitively know who they can trust. Those who dislike cats are disliked by them. Those who love cats are loved by them. It's the way things work.
So there. :P (Comment this)
"After all, I am remarkably like one [a cat] in many ways." This worries me: have you got multiple personalities? Everyone knows your animal alter-ego is a bird, and the two are mortal enemies.
"I would argue that the people writing these wonderful thoughts... have never actually... been loved by one." 'Tis true, my friend: though I've owned a few, I've not been loved by any. This is a universal FACT. (Comment this)
- Cats make great knee-warmers during the night.
- They start off very photogenic in their kittenhood and the lucky ones keep that for the rest of their lives (like Ard).
- They are fun to watch when they are in hunter mode.
I do believe that a cat's chief goal is basking in the luxury that it knows it most certainly deserves.
[quote=Chrissy]I'm still very curious as to what forms of "torture" you sweet, innocent girls might devise....[/quote]
"Sweet" - I'd agree with, "innocent" - ya, right... (Comment this)
I'm not sure "sweet" is accurate either.
And some additional redeeming features of cats: (these ideas are best employed on motionless specimens)
1. Cats are great food. Substitute them for chicken in your favorite catserole.
2. Mink-colloared coats too expensive? Attach cat to collar of winter coat and you have a great fur collar!
3. Install specimens around house in order to keep other (motionful)pests at a minimum.
4. Curl one up by your door or in a chair so that cat-lovers think you are one too.
5. [deleted by better judgment of my wife]
Find many more ideas in the book: "101 Uses for a Dead Cat" [insert "motionless" for "dead"] (Comment this)
Anyway, back to editing someone's 12-page paper. Thankfully mine are all finished. (Comment this)